Frequently Asked Questions
- How do you pronounce Imago?
- How many sessions of Imago therapy will we need?
- Are there workshops based on Imago Therapy?
- How can I know if a workshop is the real thing?
- I can’t afford the time or money to attend therapy or a workshop ... what’s one thing I can do to improve my relationships?
- We have problems with violence / gambling / drugs / alcohol .... Would Imago work for us?
- I asked a psychologist what they thought about Imago, and they said, "It’s just psychodynamics with a veneer of behavourism." What does that mean?
- Harville Hendrix ... is he the bloke on Oprah?
- Can we do Imago with you?
- Can you refer me to an Imago therapist in my area?
1. How do you pronounce Imago?
"Im" is like important, and "ago" is like cargo.
2. How many sessions of Imago therapy will we need?
That’s impossible to say, since it depends on how far you want to go and how willing you are to do the work to get there. Rather than X sessions being a standard treatment, I recommend that you commit to a number of sessions, say six to eight, and see for yourself if it works for you. People often find that after three or four sessions some stuff comes up that makes them want to quit. It’s important to keep going at that point, so the commitment to six or eight sessions should get you through that.
3. Are there workshops based on Imago Therapy?
Yes, workshops are considered extremely valuable, if not essential, to successful Imago work. You can find a list of Australian workshops at AIRTA, and a global workshop directory at IRI.
4. How can I know if a workshop is the real thing?
If someone offers you an "Imago workshop", use the IRI therapist directory to check that they are a certified Couple’s Workshop Presenter, Single’s Workshop Presenter, Imago Therapist, or Imago Educator. There are some therapists who have no training in Imago and think that reading Getting The Love You Want qualifies them to deliver an "Imago workshop". Make sure you are getting the real thing from a certified Imago therapist or educator.
Top5. I can’t afford the time or money to attend therapy or a workshop ... what’s one thing I can do to improve my relationships?
Many people come to counselling expecting the counsellor to magically fix their partner. They hope that the counsellor will cast a behaviour change spell on their partner, and all of their troubles will disappear without them needing to question or change their own behaviour.
Where I see most clients going wrong is they try to punish their partner into giving them what they want (this is called the power struggle). You have two legitimate rights in a non-abusive intimate relationship. One is to change your own behaviour to meet your partner’s needs. The other is to ask your partner if they are willing to give you what you need. Did you get that? The only one of whom you can demand change is yourself.
The truth is, if you keep on doing what you’re doing, you’re going to keep on getting what you’re getting. Here’s the only thing you really need to know - you have to do something different for your relationship to change.
So what can you actually do to make a difference? A good first objective is to make your relationship safe enough for you both to ask for what you need.
Begin by listening without needing to change your partner, win an argument, or protect yourself by avoiding contact. Get curious. Make it safe enough for your partner to want to share with you the truth about how they feel. Try things like, "what was that like for you?", "how did that make you feel?", and "how would you like that to be different?"
The next thing is to come from a position of vulnerability, rather than blaming and controlling. For instance, instead of, "where have you been?", try something like, "I was worried when you weren’t home at the usual time." Instead of, "you useless, lazy, stupid ...", try something like, "I feel frustrated and ashamed when this happens. Can we talk about how else we could deal with this?" Rather than, "why won’t you ... exercise the dog / look after the kids / get a decent job?", try something like, "I’m worried about ... the dog / the kids / what your job is doing to your health. Are you willing to talk about it now?"
Your next objective should be to make your relationship one in which you both feel loved and cared for. All you have to do is stop criticising and start expressing your appreciation for each other. That is easy to say, but it could be very hard to achieve without the help of a relationship therapist.
Top6. We have problems with violence / gambling / drugs / alcohol ... Would Imago work for us?
Probably not, and I wouldn’t recommend it. Imago is about intimate connection and feeling loved and cared for. Where there is physical violence or systematic domination it is unlikely that such objectives can be reached. The same goes for things like problem gambling and substance abuse. These problems need to be sorted out before intimate relationships can be addressed. Once you and your partner as individuals have dealt with these sort of issues (with the help of a specialist agency or therapist), it may be appropriate to try some Imago work to address your relationship.
7. I asked a psychologist what they thought about Imago, and they said, "It’s just psychodynamics with a veneer of behavourism." What the heck does that mean?
A core idea of many psychodynamic approaches is that maladaptive functions ("defence mechanisms") emerge early in life in the individual psyche, and remain largely unconscious until their effects cause trouble for the individual. This is certainly true of Imago theory, but Imago theory is also equally compatible with many other schools of thought, such as Systemic Family Therapy, and Attachment Theory. Behavourist therapies are about consciously changing behaviour, and Imago therapy certainly does this, but in a way that focusses on the relational and developmental aspects of the human psyche through meaningful shared emotional experience. It is in its unique compatibility with multiple approaches, with a focus on the mutuality of intimate relationships, that makes Imago more than just pastiche.
8. Harville Hendrix ... is he the bloke on Oprah?
Yes, Harville has appeared on the Oprah show many times. You can learn more about him at IRI.
9. Can we do Imago with you?
I’m not currently taking on private clients, but feel free to contact me and we might be able to work out something.
10. Can you refer me to an Imago therapist in my area?
Sure, but you may be able to find one yourself on the AIRTA directory, or on my links page. You can also find Certified Imago Therapists around the world on the IRI directory.
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Imago ~ A New Way To Love
© Alan Williams 2006-2009. All Rights Reserved.
